This was last night:
Little is now three. He is also now screaming in his bed because he wants the light on. The light was turned off because he wasn't gettting into bed when he was told to. He's supposed to be in his bed while Big takes his shower. Before that, Little was yelling because he wanted pajamas on. He wasn't wearing pajamas because he announced in his indignant little voice "I NOT wear any pajamas!!" and so we let him freeze it out for a bit in just his nighttime diaper to see what it's like to sleep with no jammies. He was less than fond of it...hence the screaming. Before THAT, he was screaming that he wanted a bath because his bath had to get stopped because he kept throwing his clothes into the bathwater. Such is life. Earlier, I had to hold onto Big to keep him from kicking me because he was melting down. When Chad came home from work...Big was in the corner because he told me to shut up, Little was sitting in the kitchen because he kept trying to get at Big, and Princess was sitting on the couch watching it all. Normal people would walk into my house and think, 'what the heck is going on here?' Not Chad. It didn't even phase him.
This was this morning:
While trying to get dressed, I heard Little say 'I telling on you' and then he came running to tell me Big had smacked him in the face. Then Little wanted to goof around instead of getting dressed and so he was running around in his undies. Can I just say, that kid in his little undies is one of the cutest things you'll ever see? At breakfast, all hell broke loose. Big was just in a funk and he didn't want to talk about it and then his yogurt spilled and it turned into a 45 minute meltdown that went through two things of yogurt, his school uniform, and my patience. He got to school half an hour late, but he made it!
Currently, I'm drinking a coke and eating four cheese cheez-its while the little two are taking early naps. It's not really so surprising that the kids are acting this way. Their visit earlier this week was cut short because their parents chose to spend the time speaking with people about the upcoming court date instead of being in the room with the kids and then their visit yesterday got canceled for some very vague reason. It's especially difficult for Big. His mom has been doing pretty well with him lately and this week was a big setback for him. But that's the way life is when you do foster care. The birth parents do stuff that sends the kids into a tailspin and we, the foster parents, get to try like heck to clean up the mess so it can all happen again the next week.
And now...the school is calling me....
Thursday, April 28, 2011
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Sinner, not a saint.
I have been trying and TRYING to write a new blog for weeks now, and it's just not working. Everything I write doesn't come out right and it doesn't all go together so I keep deleting everything. Someone told me today to just do it already though and not worry so much about how it sounded, so here I go.
I am not a saint.
I feel like I am placed on a pedestal some days when people here that I do foster care and it drives me a little loco. Chad and I didn't get into foster care because we're super shiny people with super shiny halos who just love love love helping wounded kids and their parents. This wasn't in our "plan" for our life. This wasn't a calling that was driven by a passion of ours. It's actually the opposite. First came the call, then the passion. People are forever telling us how wonderful we are, and some even tear up when we mention that we're foster parents as if we're these amazing humanitarians or something, but it's not really the case. Newsflash: Chad and I wanted to have kids of our own. We even went so far as to try fertility treatments because we wanted kids so much, but it never worked. And foster care gives us the opportunity to have kids in our home. Real, live kids, who call us mommy and daddy and tell us they love us. And they pay us to do it. Bonus! I'm pretty sure saints don't get paid....
Before we got into all this, I used to have a really bad case of baby fever. You know what I mean--where all you can think about is having a baby, where you seriously contemplate buying a onesie you think is cute because you just know you're going to have a baby someday, and where you constantly check out the latest and greatest in strollers so that you'll be on top of your game when that magical day comes. Other symptoms include a constant urge to pee on white plastic sticks, a secret shameful jealousy of anything pregnant, and an unnatural obsession with the first day of your last menstrual cycle.
In my fever-induced hysteria, I thought the only cure was an actual baby--but I was wrong. God had a plan for us and all He needed from us was to be willing to go where He wanted us to. If I had the time, I'd tell you the whole story. It's pretty amazing to look at the whole thing--you can't deny that God was in control of it all. He gave us the call to get licensed and to open up our home to children (not just tiny babies), and over the past fifteen and a half months, He's cultivated a passion in us to help these children--to love them and to show kindness to their parents. He's broken my baby fever and continuously works to keep me from a total relapse, despite myself. Throughout all of this though, He's blessed us even more with an even stronger marriage, the ability for me to quit my job and stay home with the kids, and, if the day comes, to adopt children for basically nothing and continue to stay home with them. I often feel that I get more out of this than the kids do. We are not saints for doing foster care. We are quite possibly some of the luckiest people in the world. We were called into doing this and we answered that call with quasi-obedience (you can drag your feet, whining the whole way and still be obedient, right?) and so God has blessed us for it. Life is not always easy. We don't always get what we want. And we definitely have had our share of ups and downs recently. Hopefully I'll be able to sit down again soon and let everyone in on what the kids are up to because, my land, they've been up to a lot! For instance, I've got a kid starting meds soon, a kid who's now pretty much potty trained, and a kid who can shake her finger and say "fiiiiieeeeerce" like she means it :) Life is good :)
I am not a saint.
I feel like I am placed on a pedestal some days when people here that I do foster care and it drives me a little loco. Chad and I didn't get into foster care because we're super shiny people with super shiny halos who just love love love helping wounded kids and their parents. This wasn't in our "plan" for our life. This wasn't a calling that was driven by a passion of ours. It's actually the opposite. First came the call, then the passion. People are forever telling us how wonderful we are, and some even tear up when we mention that we're foster parents as if we're these amazing humanitarians or something, but it's not really the case. Newsflash: Chad and I wanted to have kids of our own. We even went so far as to try fertility treatments because we wanted kids so much, but it never worked. And foster care gives us the opportunity to have kids in our home. Real, live kids, who call us mommy and daddy and tell us they love us. And they pay us to do it. Bonus! I'm pretty sure saints don't get paid....
Before we got into all this, I used to have a really bad case of baby fever. You know what I mean--where all you can think about is having a baby, where you seriously contemplate buying a onesie you think is cute because you just know you're going to have a baby someday, and where you constantly check out the latest and greatest in strollers so that you'll be on top of your game when that magical day comes. Other symptoms include a constant urge to pee on white plastic sticks, a secret shameful jealousy of anything pregnant, and an unnatural obsession with the first day of your last menstrual cycle.
In my fever-induced hysteria, I thought the only cure was an actual baby--but I was wrong. God had a plan for us and all He needed from us was to be willing to go where He wanted us to. If I had the time, I'd tell you the whole story. It's pretty amazing to look at the whole thing--you can't deny that God was in control of it all. He gave us the call to get licensed and to open up our home to children (not just tiny babies), and over the past fifteen and a half months, He's cultivated a passion in us to help these children--to love them and to show kindness to their parents. He's broken my baby fever and continuously works to keep me from a total relapse, despite myself. Throughout all of this though, He's blessed us even more with an even stronger marriage, the ability for me to quit my job and stay home with the kids, and, if the day comes, to adopt children for basically nothing and continue to stay home with them. I often feel that I get more out of this than the kids do. We are not saints for doing foster care. We are quite possibly some of the luckiest people in the world. We were called into doing this and we answered that call with quasi-obedience (you can drag your feet, whining the whole way and still be obedient, right?) and so God has blessed us for it. Life is not always easy. We don't always get what we want. And we definitely have had our share of ups and downs recently. Hopefully I'll be able to sit down again soon and let everyone in on what the kids are up to because, my land, they've been up to a lot! For instance, I've got a kid starting meds soon, a kid who's now pretty much potty trained, and a kid who can shake her finger and say "fiiiiieeeeerce" like she means it :) Life is good :)
Monday, February 28, 2011
Ignorance is...
It seems like eeeevvvverybody has an opinion on foster care and for the most part, it's not good. I cannot even tell you all the times I have heard people griping about how foster parents are horrible and only in it for the money and how they don't actually care about the kids. Or all the news stories about a foster parent gone bad or kids who were in the system talking about how much their lives sucked while in foster care. Every once in a blue moon, you'll see a special guest story about a couple who've fostered a million kids over the years and sent them all to college or you'll see a story about siblings reunited and stuff like that but, for the most part, it's all bad news and horror stories. Don't get me wrong-there are definitely some things that need to be fixed. And not everyone who gets into foster care is in it for the right reasons. But the majority of people getting licensed are doing it because they love kids and they want to make a difference for them--not to make a quick buck (because, believe me, there's not really a ton of money in foster care). And honestly, who wants to read a news story titled "Foster mom almost stabbed by foster child's fork doesn't try to hit him back" or "Foster parents log 10,000 miles in six months taking kids to visits three days a week" Yawn. Both these things have happened to me and I don't even want to read about them.
The biggest problem I think people have is that they are ignorant of the system and what actually goes on in a foster home. It's so easy for people to get their undies in a bunch when they see a foster parent snap in the news or when they see kids going back to homes they really shouldn't be returning to, and trust me, I know those things shouldn't be happening either, but it's not just a little black and white world in foster care--there's a LOT of gray areas. I mean, we're talking about taking away someone's CHILD for the rest of their lives--it's going to get sticky!
Foster care is pretty much pass/fail. Sometimes kids are going to be going back to homes where the parents are pulling a solid D- in the parenting department because the law says that a D- is still passing. They'll put services galore in the home and keep as close an eye as possible and, unfortunately, that's the best they can do. They can't really pull a kid away from their family just because they think they'll have a crappy life. It's crappy, I know (believe me, I KNOW!) but until we reach full blown Big Brother status, it's just not going to happen that way.
And then there's the team of people working on the case. There are the foster parents and the GAL (a lawyer for the kids) who work solely for the kids and to protect their welfare. (I consider part of my job to help the kids maintain a good relationship with their parents though so Chad and I do what we can in that area.) Then there's a caseworker who has the incredibly difficult task of trying to serve the parents and protect the kids. It's not an easy job. Right now, our caseworker has a very gray and sticky situation where if she does her job for the kids, she might be causing a problem with the parents and if she does her job for the parents, she'll be hurting the kids. It's a tough situation, but luckily the GAL is there to help shed a little light-of-the-law on the situation so the right decision can be made. I think our GAL is currently handling over 200 cases and our caseworker can have up to 17 kids on her caseload as well. For a GAL, they have to observe the kids once every three months and keep in contact with the caseworker and then show up to court with a recommendation for a continuance or for termination. Our caseworker talks to me at least three times a week and she oversees the visits and the parents' drug screens and other services and she writes up all these super detailed reports and visits my house at least once a month-and that's just my case. She has many others as well.
We're fortunate that we have private agencies where we live and we didn't have to get licensed through Department of Human Services where the caseworkers are even more bogged down with cases and have less time to spend with you. The news stories about foster homes gone bad are usually licensed through DHS where there just isn't as much support or accountability. I love our agency. I love that the woman who licensed us will stalk me to get an update on how I'm doing and how when they sent us a recruitment check awhile back, she yelled at me because I spent it on the kids and not on a night out for Chad and I. I love that when our caseworker did her home visit last week, she asked if Chad and I were taking the time to get out together and if we had anyone who could watch the kids so we could go on dates. And I love that if I am FREAKING OUT about something that just happened, I can always get a hold of someone...even if it's after hours, because I have their cell phone numbers too. And I truly love that they all care so much about the kids that I can see them getting upset at situations right alongside us. They care SO MUCH. See, it's not all horror stories and disasters :)
People say ignorance is bliss. But I think ignorance in this case is the enemy. It breeds gossip and slander and it casts a bad light on a system that, though it has bad points, is as good as it's going to get for now. And I think if people are really so truly put off by the deplorableness of foster care, then they can pick up their phones and get licensed themselves. I'd love to see what they'd have to say then ;)
The biggest problem I think people have is that they are ignorant of the system and what actually goes on in a foster home. It's so easy for people to get their undies in a bunch when they see a foster parent snap in the news or when they see kids going back to homes they really shouldn't be returning to, and trust me, I know those things shouldn't be happening either, but it's not just a little black and white world in foster care--there's a LOT of gray areas. I mean, we're talking about taking away someone's CHILD for the rest of their lives--it's going to get sticky!
Foster care is pretty much pass/fail. Sometimes kids are going to be going back to homes where the parents are pulling a solid D- in the parenting department because the law says that a D- is still passing. They'll put services galore in the home and keep as close an eye as possible and, unfortunately, that's the best they can do. They can't really pull a kid away from their family just because they think they'll have a crappy life. It's crappy, I know (believe me, I KNOW!) but until we reach full blown Big Brother status, it's just not going to happen that way.
And then there's the team of people working on the case. There are the foster parents and the GAL (a lawyer for the kids) who work solely for the kids and to protect their welfare. (I consider part of my job to help the kids maintain a good relationship with their parents though so Chad and I do what we can in that area.) Then there's a caseworker who has the incredibly difficult task of trying to serve the parents and protect the kids. It's not an easy job. Right now, our caseworker has a very gray and sticky situation where if she does her job for the kids, she might be causing a problem with the parents and if she does her job for the parents, she'll be hurting the kids. It's a tough situation, but luckily the GAL is there to help shed a little light-of-the-law on the situation so the right decision can be made. I think our GAL is currently handling over 200 cases and our caseworker can have up to 17 kids on her caseload as well. For a GAL, they have to observe the kids once every three months and keep in contact with the caseworker and then show up to court with a recommendation for a continuance or for termination. Our caseworker talks to me at least three times a week and she oversees the visits and the parents' drug screens and other services and she writes up all these super detailed reports and visits my house at least once a month-and that's just my case. She has many others as well.
We're fortunate that we have private agencies where we live and we didn't have to get licensed through Department of Human Services where the caseworkers are even more bogged down with cases and have less time to spend with you. The news stories about foster homes gone bad are usually licensed through DHS where there just isn't as much support or accountability. I love our agency. I love that the woman who licensed us will stalk me to get an update on how I'm doing and how when they sent us a recruitment check awhile back, she yelled at me because I spent it on the kids and not on a night out for Chad and I. I love that when our caseworker did her home visit last week, she asked if Chad and I were taking the time to get out together and if we had anyone who could watch the kids so we could go on dates. And I love that if I am FREAKING OUT about something that just happened, I can always get a hold of someone...even if it's after hours, because I have their cell phone numbers too. And I truly love that they all care so much about the kids that I can see them getting upset at situations right alongside us. They care SO MUCH. See, it's not all horror stories and disasters :)
People say ignorance is bliss. But I think ignorance in this case is the enemy. It breeds gossip and slander and it casts a bad light on a system that, though it has bad points, is as good as it's going to get for now. And I think if people are really so truly put off by the deplorableness of foster care, then they can pick up their phones and get licensed themselves. I'd love to see what they'd have to say then ;)
Monday, February 7, 2011
In the words of Beyonce, "I'm a Survivor"
Well, I made it! I survived five and a half hours of recruiting Saturday and I didn't cry once and I only shared my tampon story with the people I was working with! I did, however, high-five one girl because our ovaries hate us. It wasn't so bad though. I was nervous about it all when I got there but there were other workers and stuff so it went pretty smoothly. It was kind of funny to watch people walk right past our table like we were going to force them to take some seriously troubled kid home with them THAT NIGHT if they dared make eye contact with us...or to have people laugh when we asked them if they'd ever thought about foster care. I was surprised at how many people were honestly interested in getting licensed though. It was really sweet to hear their stories. There were people who knew kids who had had horrible things happen to them-and they'd wished they'd been able to take the kids into their homes, but couldn't. There were people who couldn't have any more kids-or kids at all, like me- but who really wanted a big family. And there were people whose nests were now empty and they couldn't stand the quiet. It was quite the honor to be the token foster parent at the table because I was given the opportunity to answer a lot of questions and kind of reassure people that they won't just get kids dumped on them and then have no support. It was really a very good experience, and I look forward to being able to work with Open Hearts, Open Homes again in the future :)
So, things have been a little crazy around here lately. Most of what is going on I'm not allowed to post on here and it's killing me because I don't think there's any better look into the wide world of foster care than what we're dealing with right now. Let's just say that life is very up and down around here right now...and a little tense. There are some big decisions to be made soon and some of the steps involved in making those decisions are going to come down to the wire, it seems. It's just got to be so difficult to be a parent of a kid in foster care, or the caseworker, or the therapist. I recently got to sit in on some of the work that goes on "behind the scenes" and it was obvious to me that I had no clue just how much work these people are all doing for these kids. I could never do their jobs. Never. I would cry every stinking night.
On a much lighter subject, Little is potty training! Let me tell ya, it's special. We have a sticker chart up in the bathroom downstairs and he gets a sticker everytime he's still dry when it's time to use the potty again. And he won't just let us take his word that he's dry. He yells "touch it" until one of us awkwardly pats his undies and says "Yup, that's dry. Good job!" He's been doing pretty well at staying dry all day. He's only wearing a diaper at naptime and bedtime-which I think is pretty amazing after only a week of serious training. He hasn't quite gotten the hang of being able to tell us when it's time to go yet, but we're getting there!
Big is trying to give me gray hair despite the fact I just got all mine colored. I know he's going through a difficult phase right now and that most of his actions are the result of anxiety that's triggered by who knows what, but it's still proving to be a true test of just how much I love that kid. He's been here eight months now, which is a long stinking time in his short little life, and I feel like maybe he's fighting some natural feelings of attachment. Like, we're at the point now that he's been here long enough that he's starting to really think of me as more of a mom (hence, the other day, when I was trying to get the boys to call me 'Melissa' instead of 'Lee-sa' like they usually do, and I asked Big what my name was and he said 'mom' as if it was the only thing he's ever called me) but, at the same time, his visits with his mom are getting increased and so he's seeing her more and he just doesn't know who to be allegiant to. I'm with him all the time and I'm currently raising him, so on the one hand, I'm the natural choice for "mother figure" in his life right now but on the OTHER hand, there's his mom, spending more time with him, doing better and he's had her for five years, so she's also a natural choice for "mother figure" and so who's he going to side with? The thing is, he doesn't have to choose a side-but I think he feels like he does. And I think it's really bugging him and so he's acting all weird and I'm going to die soon if it doesn't stop. Poor kid, he's just got so much turmoil in him and I can't wait for the day when it all stops. Little does he know, but he gets to see his dad later today. He hasn't seen him in almost four months and he's going to freaking explode with excitement when he sees him later :)
Alright, that's all I have time for now. The little two are napping and Big is looking at books and so I need to take advantage of this very quiet time. Shouldn't he be at school, you ask? Yes, yes he should. But when a kid gets into so much trouble that he's sent home for the day, they get to look at books in a chair facing the corner until the end of the school day. Mondays are always fun :)
So, things have been a little crazy around here lately. Most of what is going on I'm not allowed to post on here and it's killing me because I don't think there's any better look into the wide world of foster care than what we're dealing with right now. Let's just say that life is very up and down around here right now...and a little tense. There are some big decisions to be made soon and some of the steps involved in making those decisions are going to come down to the wire, it seems. It's just got to be so difficult to be a parent of a kid in foster care, or the caseworker, or the therapist. I recently got to sit in on some of the work that goes on "behind the scenes" and it was obvious to me that I had no clue just how much work these people are all doing for these kids. I could never do their jobs. Never. I would cry every stinking night.
On a much lighter subject, Little is potty training! Let me tell ya, it's special. We have a sticker chart up in the bathroom downstairs and he gets a sticker everytime he's still dry when it's time to use the potty again. And he won't just let us take his word that he's dry. He yells "touch it" until one of us awkwardly pats his undies and says "Yup, that's dry. Good job!" He's been doing pretty well at staying dry all day. He's only wearing a diaper at naptime and bedtime-which I think is pretty amazing after only a week of serious training. He hasn't quite gotten the hang of being able to tell us when it's time to go yet, but we're getting there!
Big is trying to give me gray hair despite the fact I just got all mine colored. I know he's going through a difficult phase right now and that most of his actions are the result of anxiety that's triggered by who knows what, but it's still proving to be a true test of just how much I love that kid. He's been here eight months now, which is a long stinking time in his short little life, and I feel like maybe he's fighting some natural feelings of attachment. Like, we're at the point now that he's been here long enough that he's starting to really think of me as more of a mom (hence, the other day, when I was trying to get the boys to call me 'Melissa' instead of 'Lee-sa' like they usually do, and I asked Big what my name was and he said 'mom' as if it was the only thing he's ever called me) but, at the same time, his visits with his mom are getting increased and so he's seeing her more and he just doesn't know who to be allegiant to. I'm with him all the time and I'm currently raising him, so on the one hand, I'm the natural choice for "mother figure" in his life right now but on the OTHER hand, there's his mom, spending more time with him, doing better and he's had her for five years, so she's also a natural choice for "mother figure" and so who's he going to side with? The thing is, he doesn't have to choose a side-but I think he feels like he does. And I think it's really bugging him and so he's acting all weird and I'm going to die soon if it doesn't stop. Poor kid, he's just got so much turmoil in him and I can't wait for the day when it all stops. Little does he know, but he gets to see his dad later today. He hasn't seen him in almost four months and he's going to freaking explode with excitement when he sees him later :)
Alright, that's all I have time for now. The little two are napping and Big is looking at books and so I need to take advantage of this very quiet time. Shouldn't he be at school, you ask? Yes, yes he should. But when a kid gets into so much trouble that he's sent home for the day, they get to look at books in a chair facing the corner until the end of the school day. Mondays are always fun :)
Saturday, January 29, 2011
Come see me next week!
My husband just asked me if I'd written a new post recently and I told him that's what I'm doing right now and he asked if it was going to be about how awesome he is...and then he flexed his muscles. Oh boy. To be honest, he IS pretty awesome...he's currently doing a load of dishes. I mean, who doesn't love a husband who does that!!! But, sadly, this is not all about him and his awesomeness. Maybe some other day, Chad.
Alright, on to regular stuff. Next Saturday (February 5) from 1:00-6:00 P.M. I'll be at the STVCC booth at the Lansing Women's Expo converting people into foster parents. Woot woot!!! Women aren't even going to know what hit them. So if you want to come see what foster care/adoption is all about....I would love to show you :) Don't worry, I won't make you leave with a kid or anything...I promise ;)
When they asked me to help work the booth, I instantly thought of two things:
1. What am I going to wear?
2. What am I going to say to people?
Well, the clothing situation worked itself out. But the speaking part...I mean...I pretty much always start crying when I tell people about the kids these days. Motherhood has turned me into a bit of a blubbering pansy. And I'm pretty sure that the people at St. V's aren't asking me to come and cry at their table for five hours, so I started thinking of some of the funny things that the kids have done. And then I landed on the best and probably most inappropriate story that ever happened to us and that I will most likely not be sharing next weekend because it's a little personal but I, for some reason, feel TOTALLY comfortable sharing on here. Are ya ready? Some of you already know this one...
Okay, so originally when we got the kids, we just got Big and Little first because we had another boy who was going home soon and we didn't have room for Princess. The boys came with just a couple of laundry bags full of clothes and a couple of stuffed animals...no toys or anything and the other kid we had was not always very good about sharing so Big was kinda upset a lot at first that he didn't really have any toys (that he wanted). One of the very first nights we had them, we were tucking the boys in and when Chad and I came in the room, Big shoved his hands under the blankets real quick. You know, like how kids do it when they're trying to secretly play with something they're not supposed to have. I asked him what he had and he kept telling me 'nothing' but I knew better so I pulled back the blanket and guess what I found? Well, let's just say it was "that time of the month" for me and let's just say I apparently had not done a good enough job of wrapping something up and let's just say that Big had, indeed, found an applicator in the garbage and was playing with it in his bed, because, ya know, it's kinda like a rocket thing!!!! OH. MY. LAND. I don't think I've ever been at such a loss for words!!! I was DYing!!! Chad pretty much left the room at that point. I grabbed the "toy" away from Big and told him "Do you know what this is? It's not a toy! It's been in my (and here I paused for half a second and caught myself from saying the v-word to a little kid but not long enough to catch myself from saying...)butt! (then I caught myself again) TOUCHED my butt! It's TOUCHED my butt!" I've never seen anyone's eyes get as big as Big's did and, after he washed his hands, he stopped playing in our garbage and I started super reinforcing my garbage once a month so we'd never have to repeat that again.
It's quite possibly my most hilarious anecdote about anything and for sure my most hilarious about foster care, but again, I'm not quite sure it's entirely appropriate for strangers. It does show though, that kids who don't have much are desparate for something to play with and will, indeed, play with just about anything. And it shows that kids who are neglected are not above digging in the garbage for entertainment. So I'm still searching for what to say to people next week but I'm thinking that it'll just come to me. Hopefully it won't be anything too embarrassing or that makes me cry. Something between the range of tears and tampons...that shouldn't be too hard to come up with, right?
Alright, on to regular stuff. Next Saturday (February 5) from 1:00-6:00 P.M. I'll be at the STVCC booth at the Lansing Women's Expo converting people into foster parents. Woot woot!!! Women aren't even going to know what hit them. So if you want to come see what foster care/adoption is all about....I would love to show you :) Don't worry, I won't make you leave with a kid or anything...I promise ;)
When they asked me to help work the booth, I instantly thought of two things:
1. What am I going to wear?
2. What am I going to say to people?
Well, the clothing situation worked itself out. But the speaking part...I mean...I pretty much always start crying when I tell people about the kids these days. Motherhood has turned me into a bit of a blubbering pansy. And I'm pretty sure that the people at St. V's aren't asking me to come and cry at their table for five hours, so I started thinking of some of the funny things that the kids have done. And then I landed on the best and probably most inappropriate story that ever happened to us and that I will most likely not be sharing next weekend because it's a little personal but I, for some reason, feel TOTALLY comfortable sharing on here. Are ya ready? Some of you already know this one...
Okay, so originally when we got the kids, we just got Big and Little first because we had another boy who was going home soon and we didn't have room for Princess. The boys came with just a couple of laundry bags full of clothes and a couple of stuffed animals...no toys or anything and the other kid we had was not always very good about sharing so Big was kinda upset a lot at first that he didn't really have any toys (that he wanted). One of the very first nights we had them, we were tucking the boys in and when Chad and I came in the room, Big shoved his hands under the blankets real quick. You know, like how kids do it when they're trying to secretly play with something they're not supposed to have. I asked him what he had and he kept telling me 'nothing' but I knew better so I pulled back the blanket and guess what I found? Well, let's just say it was "that time of the month" for me and let's just say I apparently had not done a good enough job of wrapping something up and let's just say that Big had, indeed, found an applicator in the garbage and was playing with it in his bed, because, ya know, it's kinda like a rocket thing!!!! OH. MY. LAND. I don't think I've ever been at such a loss for words!!! I was DYing!!! Chad pretty much left the room at that point. I grabbed the "toy" away from Big and told him "Do you know what this is? It's not a toy! It's been in my (and here I paused for half a second and caught myself from saying the v-word to a little kid but not long enough to catch myself from saying...)butt! (then I caught myself again) TOUCHED my butt! It's TOUCHED my butt!" I've never seen anyone's eyes get as big as Big's did and, after he washed his hands, he stopped playing in our garbage and I started super reinforcing my garbage once a month so we'd never have to repeat that again.
It's quite possibly my most hilarious anecdote about anything and for sure my most hilarious about foster care, but again, I'm not quite sure it's entirely appropriate for strangers. It does show though, that kids who don't have much are desparate for something to play with and will, indeed, play with just about anything. And it shows that kids who are neglected are not above digging in the garbage for entertainment. So I'm still searching for what to say to people next week but I'm thinking that it'll just come to me. Hopefully it won't be anything too embarrassing or that makes me cry. Something between the range of tears and tampons...that shouldn't be too hard to come up with, right?
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Oy to the Vey
Oh, how I wish I could post a picture of what the kids are doing right now! I'm pretty sure it's every parents dream for a morning where mommy is just plain over it. No joke, Little and Princess are lying on the couch with pillows and blankets because Little has announced that "I ti-ahd!" I'm not going to lie, it's bliss...so I'm stealing this opportunity to tell you that we have had QUITE the week...and it's only Thursday morning. Oy to the Vey.
I drove 103.3 miles on Monday taking the children to school, babysitters, and appointments. It was a very long day with short little stops at home here and there and it ended with me buying out the turnovers from Arby's in order to survive the last hour of errands. Princess' carseat has never been stickier. Oh wait, that wasn't the end. The end was when Chad announced he found the source of the mysterious stink in our house...our sewere cap thingy in the front yard needed to be snaked. Barf. Tuesday was a visit day and it started out rough for Big and just continued on that way. After the visit, things got ugly. Big had such a meltdown that I wound up having to hold onto him for a long time...something I haven't had to do since the summer. He finally calmed down long enough to eat and while he was having dinner, Princess came over to give him a hug and Big just started crying. He looked so miserable and I asked him what was wrong and he just wailed "I miss my daaaadddd!" Ugh. The poor kid has not seen his dad for a few months now and we're not exactly sure when he'll get to see him again and it's just so hard on him. I think one of the downsides of foster care is that you're not always allowed to tell the kids what's really going on. You get to love them like they're your own, but you don't always get to treat them that way. You have to be a little deceptive and I don't like that. I don't like pretending I don't know what's going on when I do. I would much rather be straight with Big but I can't and I know I can't because he's not "my" kid, he's not "normal" and he doesn't process information like the "average" kid...hence the outbursts. On top of that, my caseworker and Big's mom would probably kill me ;)
Anywho, Tuesday was also our quiet night so things perked up after that. I'm excited for the challenge this year. For all you who read this that don't attend our Church, every year our pastor presents us with a Spiritual Discipline Challenge. Sometimes it's a book, sometimes we have to get off our butts and do stuff and this year it's to have one quiet night a week where there are no cell phones, tv, video games, facebook...nothing. Just you and your families enjoying each other's company. The kids can still play with their toys but we're encouraged to play with them more and to spend some quality time together. I have to admit, it was pretty awesome. It was just what I needed after the craziness of the evening and Chad and I had a great conversation and I got to read for awhile...it was lovely <3
Anywho, Wednesday was okay...just long. And today, Little has decided he'd like to yell...a lot. It's just one of those weeks. I can't really blame the kids for being ornery. They don't sleep well after a visit day and it just takes a little time to get all their little feelings out and get back to normal. I can't even imagine what it's like to be inside their heads. Some days/weeks are better than others and we're just trying to take it all in stride (trying being the opeartive word there. I'm medicating with a little chocolate today). I know they're anxious. I mean, they never really know when they're going to get to see their parents or which one is going to be there. There's no stability for them-even in a scheduled weekly visit. It's just garbage. It seems like the only thing they can be sure of is that they'll be disappointed again soon. It's sad, but it's their reality-and the reality of so many other foster kids out there whose parents just aren't doing the things they need to be doing all the time. I remember when I was taking the kids for a visit one time that there was another foster mom there who had brought her foster child up for his final visit with his parents because they had lost their rights and the birth dad didn't even show up. It was heartbreaking. Can you even imagine knowing it was the last time you were going to see your dad and then he didn't even come?
There needs to be more foster parents out there to love these children through these tough times. And there need to be more adoptive parents out there who refuse to pass over these kids just because they're a little troubled. It's not their fault they're this way and they deserve loving parents and a good home just as much as the next kid-and maybe even a little bit more so because of all the hurt they've gone through. Trust me, everytime they unexpectedly give you a hug and tell you they love you or look at you for a second and then smile and say 'mama'...they'll win you right over. Both of those things happened to me today, and I've gotta tell ya...it made my week :)
I drove 103.3 miles on Monday taking the children to school, babysitters, and appointments. It was a very long day with short little stops at home here and there and it ended with me buying out the turnovers from Arby's in order to survive the last hour of errands. Princess' carseat has never been stickier. Oh wait, that wasn't the end. The end was when Chad announced he found the source of the mysterious stink in our house...our sewere cap thingy in the front yard needed to be snaked. Barf. Tuesday was a visit day and it started out rough for Big and just continued on that way. After the visit, things got ugly. Big had such a meltdown that I wound up having to hold onto him for a long time...something I haven't had to do since the summer. He finally calmed down long enough to eat and while he was having dinner, Princess came over to give him a hug and Big just started crying. He looked so miserable and I asked him what was wrong and he just wailed "I miss my daaaadddd!" Ugh. The poor kid has not seen his dad for a few months now and we're not exactly sure when he'll get to see him again and it's just so hard on him. I think one of the downsides of foster care is that you're not always allowed to tell the kids what's really going on. You get to love them like they're your own, but you don't always get to treat them that way. You have to be a little deceptive and I don't like that. I don't like pretending I don't know what's going on when I do. I would much rather be straight with Big but I can't and I know I can't because he's not "my" kid, he's not "normal" and he doesn't process information like the "average" kid...hence the outbursts. On top of that, my caseworker and Big's mom would probably kill me ;)
Anywho, Tuesday was also our quiet night so things perked up after that. I'm excited for the challenge this year. For all you who read this that don't attend our Church, every year our pastor presents us with a Spiritual Discipline Challenge. Sometimes it's a book, sometimes we have to get off our butts and do stuff and this year it's to have one quiet night a week where there are no cell phones, tv, video games, facebook...nothing. Just you and your families enjoying each other's company. The kids can still play with their toys but we're encouraged to play with them more and to spend some quality time together. I have to admit, it was pretty awesome. It was just what I needed after the craziness of the evening and Chad and I had a great conversation and I got to read for awhile...it was lovely <3
Anywho, Wednesday was okay...just long. And today, Little has decided he'd like to yell...a lot. It's just one of those weeks. I can't really blame the kids for being ornery. They don't sleep well after a visit day and it just takes a little time to get all their little feelings out and get back to normal. I can't even imagine what it's like to be inside their heads. Some days/weeks are better than others and we're just trying to take it all in stride (trying being the opeartive word there. I'm medicating with a little chocolate today). I know they're anxious. I mean, they never really know when they're going to get to see their parents or which one is going to be there. There's no stability for them-even in a scheduled weekly visit. It's just garbage. It seems like the only thing they can be sure of is that they'll be disappointed again soon. It's sad, but it's their reality-and the reality of so many other foster kids out there whose parents just aren't doing the things they need to be doing all the time. I remember when I was taking the kids for a visit one time that there was another foster mom there who had brought her foster child up for his final visit with his parents because they had lost their rights and the birth dad didn't even show up. It was heartbreaking. Can you even imagine knowing it was the last time you were going to see your dad and then he didn't even come?
There needs to be more foster parents out there to love these children through these tough times. And there need to be more adoptive parents out there who refuse to pass over these kids just because they're a little troubled. It's not their fault they're this way and they deserve loving parents and a good home just as much as the next kid-and maybe even a little bit more so because of all the hurt they've gone through. Trust me, everytime they unexpectedly give you a hug and tell you they love you or look at you for a second and then smile and say 'mama'...they'll win you right over. Both of those things happened to me today, and I've gotta tell ya...it made my week :)
Monday, January 3, 2011
These ties that bind...
Chad and I have a pretty good system. The kids have a two hour visit these days and so when Chad can get out of work on time, we drop the kids off together and then we go out for dinner while they're visiting. On weeks when he can't get out on time, then I drop off the kids and he picks them up so that we each get a little bit of alone time. It's pretty awesome :)
The other week though, when Chad got home from picking up the kids, he was a little sad because Princess didn't want to come to him. Usually, after a visit, she clings to her mom a little bit and doesn't want to come to me but she'll go to Chad. That week, she didn't even want to go to Chad. The man was heartbroken! We're not disillusioned about who her parents are or anything...we know our role. And I reminded him that she doesn't really have a bad memory of her experience at home. For her, she's got a good memory of her parents...Big is the one with the bad memories. I mean, she's the baby and the only girl so she gets doted on whenever she's around her mom. So for Princess, it really is a little traumatic, despite how much she loves us. It's still a bummer though...I have to admit it. The first time she didn't want to come to me, a little piece of my heart was crushed too. *sigh*
It's crazy to see how bonded kids are to their biological parents despite having to be taken away from them. It doesn't matter what the situation is they came from, they'd rather be with their parents than anywhere else. We had these kids whose parent pretty much just gave up on them...packed up their things and was done with them. And the "things" the kids had had to remain on my porch overnight so I could freeze to death anything that might be living in their stuff. (That was a first and hopefully "only" for me!) You would think they'd be thrilled to be out of that situation...thrilled to have a hot bath and a nice warm bed...they were up half the night crying out for their mother. I mean, just screaming for mommy. (Consequently, I was up half the night crying too.) We've had kids who were left alone in their homes and who didn't have proper nutrition or clean places to live and they too desired to be with their parents. Even kids who had been smacked around some and who knew that was wrong...they still wished to be home. They were even willing to lie to cover stuff up so that their parents wouldn't get into trouble. They'd rather be home in the midst of all that craziness and wrongdoing than separated from their parents because that bond is just natural. Children are naturally bonded to their birthparents. Like, freakishly so. (However, it's not to say that they can't be bonded to anyone else, because they can. The first thing Little did this morning when he got up was to hug me and tell me that he loved me. <3)
It's hard not to go to the "bad place" when you think about the parents and the kids and stuff but I try to stay away from it. It's of no benefit to the kids if I'm envisioning punching out their parents everytime I see them! As much as I'd like to give the parents a piece of my mind...it's best to just smile and nod and encourage. Don't people say something about the hardest part of parenting is doing what's best for your kids?
I suggest everyone squeeze their kids extra tight today and remind them of how much you love them. Because, honestly, I don't think we can show them enough!!!!
The other week though, when Chad got home from picking up the kids, he was a little sad because Princess didn't want to come to him. Usually, after a visit, she clings to her mom a little bit and doesn't want to come to me but she'll go to Chad. That week, she didn't even want to go to Chad. The man was heartbroken! We're not disillusioned about who her parents are or anything...we know our role. And I reminded him that she doesn't really have a bad memory of her experience at home. For her, she's got a good memory of her parents...Big is the one with the bad memories. I mean, she's the baby and the only girl so she gets doted on whenever she's around her mom. So for Princess, it really is a little traumatic, despite how much she loves us. It's still a bummer though...I have to admit it. The first time she didn't want to come to me, a little piece of my heart was crushed too. *sigh*
It's crazy to see how bonded kids are to their biological parents despite having to be taken away from them. It doesn't matter what the situation is they came from, they'd rather be with their parents than anywhere else. We had these kids whose parent pretty much just gave up on them...packed up their things and was done with them. And the "things" the kids had had to remain on my porch overnight so I could freeze to death anything that might be living in their stuff. (That was a first and hopefully "only" for me!) You would think they'd be thrilled to be out of that situation...thrilled to have a hot bath and a nice warm bed...they were up half the night crying out for their mother. I mean, just screaming for mommy. (Consequently, I was up half the night crying too.) We've had kids who were left alone in their homes and who didn't have proper nutrition or clean places to live and they too desired to be with their parents. Even kids who had been smacked around some and who knew that was wrong...they still wished to be home. They were even willing to lie to cover stuff up so that their parents wouldn't get into trouble. They'd rather be home in the midst of all that craziness and wrongdoing than separated from their parents because that bond is just natural. Children are naturally bonded to their birthparents. Like, freakishly so. (However, it's not to say that they can't be bonded to anyone else, because they can. The first thing Little did this morning when he got up was to hug me and tell me that he loved me. <3)
It's hard not to go to the "bad place" when you think about the parents and the kids and stuff but I try to stay away from it. It's of no benefit to the kids if I'm envisioning punching out their parents everytime I see them! As much as I'd like to give the parents a piece of my mind...it's best to just smile and nod and encourage. Don't people say something about the hardest part of parenting is doing what's best for your kids?
I suggest everyone squeeze their kids extra tight today and remind them of how much you love them. Because, honestly, I don't think we can show them enough!!!!
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