It seems like eeeevvvverybody has an opinion on foster care and for the most part, it's not good. I cannot even tell you all the times I have heard people griping about how foster parents are horrible and only in it for the money and how they don't actually care about the kids. Or all the news stories about a foster parent gone bad or kids who were in the system talking about how much their lives sucked while in foster care. Every once in a blue moon, you'll see a special guest story about a couple who've fostered a million kids over the years and sent them all to college or you'll see a story about siblings reunited and stuff like that but, for the most part, it's all bad news and horror stories. Don't get me wrong-there are definitely some things that need to be fixed. And not everyone who gets into foster care is in it for the right reasons. But the majority of people getting licensed are doing it because they love kids and they want to make a difference for them--not to make a quick buck (because, believe me, there's not really a ton of money in foster care). And honestly, who wants to read a news story titled "Foster mom almost stabbed by foster child's fork doesn't try to hit him back" or "Foster parents log 10,000 miles in six months taking kids to visits three days a week" Yawn. Both these things have happened to me and I don't even want to read about them.
The biggest problem I think people have is that they are ignorant of the system and what actually goes on in a foster home. It's so easy for people to get their undies in a bunch when they see a foster parent snap in the news or when they see kids going back to homes they really shouldn't be returning to, and trust me, I know those things shouldn't be happening either, but it's not just a little black and white world in foster care--there's a LOT of gray areas. I mean, we're talking about taking away someone's CHILD for the rest of their lives--it's going to get sticky!
Foster care is pretty much pass/fail. Sometimes kids are going to be going back to homes where the parents are pulling a solid D- in the parenting department because the law says that a D- is still passing. They'll put services galore in the home and keep as close an eye as possible and, unfortunately, that's the best they can do. They can't really pull a kid away from their family just because they think they'll have a crappy life. It's crappy, I know (believe me, I KNOW!) but until we reach full blown Big Brother status, it's just not going to happen that way.
And then there's the team of people working on the case. There are the foster parents and the GAL (a lawyer for the kids) who work solely for the kids and to protect their welfare. (I consider part of my job to help the kids maintain a good relationship with their parents though so Chad and I do what we can in that area.) Then there's a caseworker who has the incredibly difficult task of trying to serve the parents and protect the kids. It's not an easy job. Right now, our caseworker has a very gray and sticky situation where if she does her job for the kids, she might be causing a problem with the parents and if she does her job for the parents, she'll be hurting the kids. It's a tough situation, but luckily the GAL is there to help shed a little light-of-the-law on the situation so the right decision can be made. I think our GAL is currently handling over 200 cases and our caseworker can have up to 17 kids on her caseload as well. For a GAL, they have to observe the kids once every three months and keep in contact with the caseworker and then show up to court with a recommendation for a continuance or for termination. Our caseworker talks to me at least three times a week and she oversees the visits and the parents' drug screens and other services and she writes up all these super detailed reports and visits my house at least once a month-and that's just my case. She has many others as well.
We're fortunate that we have private agencies where we live and we didn't have to get licensed through Department of Human Services where the caseworkers are even more bogged down with cases and have less time to spend with you. The news stories about foster homes gone bad are usually licensed through DHS where there just isn't as much support or accountability. I love our agency. I love that the woman who licensed us will stalk me to get an update on how I'm doing and how when they sent us a recruitment check awhile back, she yelled at me because I spent it on the kids and not on a night out for Chad and I. I love that when our caseworker did her home visit last week, she asked if Chad and I were taking the time to get out together and if we had anyone who could watch the kids so we could go on dates. And I love that if I am FREAKING OUT about something that just happened, I can always get a hold of someone...even if it's after hours, because I have their cell phone numbers too. And I truly love that they all care so much about the kids that I can see them getting upset at situations right alongside us. They care SO MUCH. See, it's not all horror stories and disasters :)
People say ignorance is bliss. But I think ignorance in this case is the enemy. It breeds gossip and slander and it casts a bad light on a system that, though it has bad points, is as good as it's going to get for now. And I think if people are really so truly put off by the deplorableness of foster care, then they can pick up their phones and get licensed themselves. I'd love to see what they'd have to say then ;)
Monday, February 28, 2011
Monday, February 7, 2011
In the words of Beyonce, "I'm a Survivor"
Well, I made it! I survived five and a half hours of recruiting Saturday and I didn't cry once and I only shared my tampon story with the people I was working with! I did, however, high-five one girl because our ovaries hate us. It wasn't so bad though. I was nervous about it all when I got there but there were other workers and stuff so it went pretty smoothly. It was kind of funny to watch people walk right past our table like we were going to force them to take some seriously troubled kid home with them THAT NIGHT if they dared make eye contact with us...or to have people laugh when we asked them if they'd ever thought about foster care. I was surprised at how many people were honestly interested in getting licensed though. It was really sweet to hear their stories. There were people who knew kids who had had horrible things happen to them-and they'd wished they'd been able to take the kids into their homes, but couldn't. There were people who couldn't have any more kids-or kids at all, like me- but who really wanted a big family. And there were people whose nests were now empty and they couldn't stand the quiet. It was quite the honor to be the token foster parent at the table because I was given the opportunity to answer a lot of questions and kind of reassure people that they won't just get kids dumped on them and then have no support. It was really a very good experience, and I look forward to being able to work with Open Hearts, Open Homes again in the future :)
So, things have been a little crazy around here lately. Most of what is going on I'm not allowed to post on here and it's killing me because I don't think there's any better look into the wide world of foster care than what we're dealing with right now. Let's just say that life is very up and down around here right now...and a little tense. There are some big decisions to be made soon and some of the steps involved in making those decisions are going to come down to the wire, it seems. It's just got to be so difficult to be a parent of a kid in foster care, or the caseworker, or the therapist. I recently got to sit in on some of the work that goes on "behind the scenes" and it was obvious to me that I had no clue just how much work these people are all doing for these kids. I could never do their jobs. Never. I would cry every stinking night.
On a much lighter subject, Little is potty training! Let me tell ya, it's special. We have a sticker chart up in the bathroom downstairs and he gets a sticker everytime he's still dry when it's time to use the potty again. And he won't just let us take his word that he's dry. He yells "touch it" until one of us awkwardly pats his undies and says "Yup, that's dry. Good job!" He's been doing pretty well at staying dry all day. He's only wearing a diaper at naptime and bedtime-which I think is pretty amazing after only a week of serious training. He hasn't quite gotten the hang of being able to tell us when it's time to go yet, but we're getting there!
Big is trying to give me gray hair despite the fact I just got all mine colored. I know he's going through a difficult phase right now and that most of his actions are the result of anxiety that's triggered by who knows what, but it's still proving to be a true test of just how much I love that kid. He's been here eight months now, which is a long stinking time in his short little life, and I feel like maybe he's fighting some natural feelings of attachment. Like, we're at the point now that he's been here long enough that he's starting to really think of me as more of a mom (hence, the other day, when I was trying to get the boys to call me 'Melissa' instead of 'Lee-sa' like they usually do, and I asked Big what my name was and he said 'mom' as if it was the only thing he's ever called me) but, at the same time, his visits with his mom are getting increased and so he's seeing her more and he just doesn't know who to be allegiant to. I'm with him all the time and I'm currently raising him, so on the one hand, I'm the natural choice for "mother figure" in his life right now but on the OTHER hand, there's his mom, spending more time with him, doing better and he's had her for five years, so she's also a natural choice for "mother figure" and so who's he going to side with? The thing is, he doesn't have to choose a side-but I think he feels like he does. And I think it's really bugging him and so he's acting all weird and I'm going to die soon if it doesn't stop. Poor kid, he's just got so much turmoil in him and I can't wait for the day when it all stops. Little does he know, but he gets to see his dad later today. He hasn't seen him in almost four months and he's going to freaking explode with excitement when he sees him later :)
Alright, that's all I have time for now. The little two are napping and Big is looking at books and so I need to take advantage of this very quiet time. Shouldn't he be at school, you ask? Yes, yes he should. But when a kid gets into so much trouble that he's sent home for the day, they get to look at books in a chair facing the corner until the end of the school day. Mondays are always fun :)
So, things have been a little crazy around here lately. Most of what is going on I'm not allowed to post on here and it's killing me because I don't think there's any better look into the wide world of foster care than what we're dealing with right now. Let's just say that life is very up and down around here right now...and a little tense. There are some big decisions to be made soon and some of the steps involved in making those decisions are going to come down to the wire, it seems. It's just got to be so difficult to be a parent of a kid in foster care, or the caseworker, or the therapist. I recently got to sit in on some of the work that goes on "behind the scenes" and it was obvious to me that I had no clue just how much work these people are all doing for these kids. I could never do their jobs. Never. I would cry every stinking night.
On a much lighter subject, Little is potty training! Let me tell ya, it's special. We have a sticker chart up in the bathroom downstairs and he gets a sticker everytime he's still dry when it's time to use the potty again. And he won't just let us take his word that he's dry. He yells "touch it" until one of us awkwardly pats his undies and says "Yup, that's dry. Good job!" He's been doing pretty well at staying dry all day. He's only wearing a diaper at naptime and bedtime-which I think is pretty amazing after only a week of serious training. He hasn't quite gotten the hang of being able to tell us when it's time to go yet, but we're getting there!
Big is trying to give me gray hair despite the fact I just got all mine colored. I know he's going through a difficult phase right now and that most of his actions are the result of anxiety that's triggered by who knows what, but it's still proving to be a true test of just how much I love that kid. He's been here eight months now, which is a long stinking time in his short little life, and I feel like maybe he's fighting some natural feelings of attachment. Like, we're at the point now that he's been here long enough that he's starting to really think of me as more of a mom (hence, the other day, when I was trying to get the boys to call me 'Melissa' instead of 'Lee-sa' like they usually do, and I asked Big what my name was and he said 'mom' as if it was the only thing he's ever called me) but, at the same time, his visits with his mom are getting increased and so he's seeing her more and he just doesn't know who to be allegiant to. I'm with him all the time and I'm currently raising him, so on the one hand, I'm the natural choice for "mother figure" in his life right now but on the OTHER hand, there's his mom, spending more time with him, doing better and he's had her for five years, so she's also a natural choice for "mother figure" and so who's he going to side with? The thing is, he doesn't have to choose a side-but I think he feels like he does. And I think it's really bugging him and so he's acting all weird and I'm going to die soon if it doesn't stop. Poor kid, he's just got so much turmoil in him and I can't wait for the day when it all stops. Little does he know, but he gets to see his dad later today. He hasn't seen him in almost four months and he's going to freaking explode with excitement when he sees him later :)
Alright, that's all I have time for now. The little two are napping and Big is looking at books and so I need to take advantage of this very quiet time. Shouldn't he be at school, you ask? Yes, yes he should. But when a kid gets into so much trouble that he's sent home for the day, they get to look at books in a chair facing the corner until the end of the school day. Mondays are always fun :)
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